Can We Discuss This? (Getting Feedback on Your Writing)
Feedback: it's a necessary part of being a writer, but it can be paralyzing.
Earlier this month, a writer in my program confessed that she'd solicited feedback and, after receiving it, found herself unable to move forward. She said she wouldn't be asking for feedback again. Oof. I felt so bad for her.
And I totally got it. How do you get feedback on your writing without being derailed by it? Today, I want to discuss exactly that.
For ages, feedback was my frenemy. I was obsessed with it, and it was killing me.
I would take writing classes that were based on the feedback model—my peers and I all traded work and criticized each other.
It was the worst, honestly.
I re-wrote and rewrote my novel draft based on what my peers told me. Take out this backstory! Change this character! Add more active verbs! Eventually, I found myself burnt out, directionless, and deeply uninspired to continue.
Luckily, after about five years, I finally found my way out of that hole to write based on my own vision. And it worked. I wrote and sold three novels, and I’m now at work on my first memoir.
Part of this is because I've learned how to ask for and receive feedback, and how to assess it—by that I mean, how to decide what feedback is good, what feedback is not, and how to make that choice.
So now I want to break down for you how to make feedback empowering and energizing instead of demoralizing.
Tip #1: You have to trust yourself more than you trust other people
For five years, I was torn between feeling like I had it in me to write this novel and like I needed to know more. And of course I was right. I did have things to learn—but I also had it in me to write my novel.
By trust yourself, I don’t mean trust yourself that you know everything about novel-writing. You don’t. I don’t. No one does. And you especially don’t when you’re first starting out.
But what you do have is taste, and vision. And you’re the only one who has the vision. You know if you like what you’re reading or writing, and you know if it’s in line with your vision...and you have to trust that.
Reminding yourself of this is not always easy, but it’s critical if you’re planning on getting feedback on your work.
Ultimately you are the one steering the ship, and remember, just because someone gives you a note doesn’t mean you have to use it.
Tip # 2: Tell the person who is going to give you feedback what you want from them…before they read your work
Picking the right people and providing your own guide rails is critical when asking for feedback.
A lot of writers fall into the trap of offering up their work to their best friend or the random classmate in your writing class and giving them carte blanche.
“Just tell me if you like it!”
I get it. You’re hoping for what we all secretly hope, which is that they’re going to read it and tell you it’s the most brilliant thing they’ve ever read, and that you don’t need to make any more edits. You’re just magically the first person who’s ever written a perfect first draft! Wow!
Oh how I wish that were true. The carte blanche is so full of optimism, but it doesn’t work.
When you don’t offer parameters of what you expect from their feedback, the person giving you feedback is going to turn into a hammer looking for a nail, searching for “criticisms” because they think that’s what you expect, and you’ve empowered them to give you JUST that.
It happens every single time, and never once have I gotten energizing or empowering feedback this way. Rather, be an active participant in the feedback process.
Give the person who’s going to read your work context: What age group is this for? How early or late in the drafting process are you? Any particular questions you’re wondering about, like does this one character feel believable, or is this one event scary/erotic/etc. to them?
If you give your reader questions to focus on, they’re going to give you focused feedback in return, which is going to be the most helpful to you.
The more you put in, the more you get out.
Tip #3: Only share finished drafts with people
Before a draft is finished, you don’t even know what it is yet! Don’t start subjecting it to your great aunt’s whims or your great uncle’s baseball bat when you haven’t even figured out what the story is yet.
You don’t have anything to compare the feedback to. You have nothing to measure it AGAINST. And without anything to measure it against, you’re far, far too vulnerable to just accepting it.
It’s like if you bought a new house and had no vision for how you wanted to decorate it.
One friend came over and said, I would love a chandelier here, and another came over and said, how about a giant taxidermed bear right in the entry way?
And because you have no vision yourself, you just go, okay! You wind up with a steampunk living room full of dead animals.
When I work with writers through my program the Book Incubator, I actually have them write a first draft, then revise once on their own, then, and only then, get feedback from someone else.
Because at that point, you know what’s there, you know what the thing is, and you have that understanding to reference as an anchor when receiving the feedback, so you’re not just subject to thinking anyone’s and everyone’s idea might be good.
Tip #4: Ask your readers to ask you specific questions about your work
I talked about giving your reader context and asking questions before they’ve read, but you also want to invite them to ask you questions.
This helps them avoid giving flat value judgments like “I liked X,” “I didn’t like Y,” and helps you understand what their reactions really are.
They can ask you things like:
What does this mean?
I’m confused by this timeline—in what order do things happen?
What is motivating this character here? Or
How do you want us to feel about this character?
It’s really helpful to get questions from your readers. It keeps you empowered as the author, because the answer is in your hands.
So, again, invite them to jot down questions for you as they read, and to mark the pages where these questions come up.
Tip #5: Shift your mindset around feedback
Because most of us have had at least one negative and even damaging experience around receiving feedback, it’s important to shift your mindset about feedback.
This is easier said than done, but it’s critical work to do, because we both need feedback but don’t want to let feedback take over.
That’s a hard balance to strike. So how can you do this?
First, pay attention to the positive things people say, too! Feedback is as much about learning what positive elements of your writing to lean into as it is about changing what’s not working.
You’re going to build on what you do well. You aren’t going to build on fixing what you don’t do well. So when people tell you you’re really good at writing funny stuff, or that they love a certain character, ask: how can I build on that?
And second, when you have a strong reaction, ask yourself: What is this triggering in me? What am I afraid of? Journal around this as much as you need to to get your head on straight and unpack your fears.
I find writing really helps me process things when I feel triggered. You want to shift yourself to a growth mindset: we can all improve.
Tip #6: Don’t rewrite your book based on a sample size of one
Everything is subjective! We all know this but writers especially need to remind ourselves of this fact. It’s also why you should never rewrite your book based on only one person’s opinion.
A few years ago, I gave a draft of my novel-in-progress to a trusted reader, who was also fellow writer, for feedback. The novel draft (which would become my second novel Privilege) told the same story from three different perspectives.
This reader found one of these perspectives less compelling than the others. She suggested that I cut that character's point of view. So I did. And I sent the new draft to my agent.
Her response was, "Why did you cut Annie?" I told her—my friend thought I should cut Annie. "Oh, no way. You need Annie," my agent said. So who was right? Neither? Both? I think this is the wrong question. When we get feedback, we must remember that:
All feedback is subjective.
People's opinions will differ.
And so, ultimately, what matters is what we think is the best choice.
In my case (you'll know if you've read Privilege), I decided to bring back Annie's voice.
But I still found my friend's feedback valuable—it meant that something about that character's section of the book wasn't working for her. I asked her for more specifics, and as we spoke, I heard in her voice that she just didn't like Annie that much.
That, I could live with—and it reminded me that everyone is going to have a different reaction to your writing and have their own reasons for it, usually ones that have absolutely nothing to do with you.
Bottom line: please don't rewrite your whole book based solely on what one person says. (Unless you're just in the mood to kill some time, or you happen to wholeheartedly agree with them.) But you don't need to wholly ignore it either. There's a happy medium.
Ready to write your book?
If you made it this far in the video, I’m guessing that you are writing a book, or want to write a book. If so, I want to talk to you.
When I’m not writing, my mission in life is to help talented writers write their dream books. I love it. I live for it.
If you're curious to know more, I have a FREE video walking you through my exact process for writing a book. You can get it by clicking below and answering two questions to apply to my program, the Book Incubator.
You can get the video whether you join or not—no pressure to enroll.
Just click below to tell me a little bit about you and your book—you can fill out a form online. I’m so excited to hear from you!
